"And I said to the one who stood at the gate of the year, 'Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown.' And he replied, 'Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the hand of God. That shall be to you better than light and safer than the known way.'" (Minnie Haskins)

Friday, January 6, 2012

The Darkness I Fear

Apparently there's this little hormone that can mess with the chemicals in some women's brains right before their periods and cause them to be depressed. I remember this starting to happen to me in college. I remember finding some place I could be alone and just sobbing. Took a few of these moments before I connected them to my period. Making that connection helped a ton. In the midst of the depression I would tell myself it wasn't real. Still hurt, but lost its power.

It has been a few years since I have experienced that depression... guess that's why when I started taking the pill which apparently has a nice strong dose of this said hormone... it rocked my world and took me awhile to understand that it was back. And while my body set to regulate to the pill it just kept happening over and over again.

Can't believe I'm writing this down for ALL to see. I've come along way these last few years...

Been mulling it over in my head trying to figure out how to express it to others. Here's what I wrote. Didn't intend to write a poem. Just sort of happened. And of course since it's me... it is an unconventional sort of poem following its own rules.

The Darkness I Fear

Brought to the edge of the cliff
By one little hormone messing with my head.
Innocent comments or actions
Send me spiraling downward.
Everything I see
Everything I hear
Seem to prove my greatest fears.
A hollow aching in my chest.
Large unstoppable tears.
Pushing away the people I most want.
How do you explain it to others
When it is all in your head
And yet feels so real?